10 Tips For Surviving A Boring Job

 

1.Master the art of doing non-work at work. Non-work includes: turning a spreadsheet into a shopping list, writing witty captions for Facebook photos, researching recipes for fried chicken, buying 600 elastic bands on E-bay, writing a poem in an email that looks like you are writing a complex reply to an urgent inquiry, when actually you are dissecting the cement mixer that has become your tongue.

2. Day dream the day dreams you dream of day dreaming.

3.Consider going on long walks at lunch; it is important to remember there is a world outside of your brain melting, ambition eating, hospital waiting room of an office. Walking will help you to think beyond the walls of Microsoft Outlook and introduce you to new definitions of beauty such as: a public pond where a man on his own sings opera to no one, a cat spiraled on a decadent pillow, the halo shape of a coffee stain on a white table that looks as if it has been placed there next to sliced avocado and sourdough bread, which could be an advert for beauty or beauty’s sister, who is really good at putting on eye liner but not very good at listening.

4. If you are overwhelmed by the desire to eat your own teeth, or are contemplating adopting a mild crack addiction, color code your spreadsheet until it resembles the makeup you would have worn to the party you never attended.

5. Beat the world record for longest time taken to make a cup of tea.

6. Eat a whole pack of cashew nuts.

7. Count the calories in a pack of cashew nuts.

8. Tell others how many calories are in a pack of cashew nuts.

9. Make a PowerPoint presentation complete with calorie charts and calorie diary entries. Share PowerPoint presentation with entire office.

10. Make a friend, any friend, tell them about the night you woke in cold sweat, unable to differentiate between the wind and a burglar, ask questions, eat lunch together, hold them close.

This is an extract from my show Everything Is Going To Be Fine. 6th June, The Roundhouse #LastWordFest. Tickets here